My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
