Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
