dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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