Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
