Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize