I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
