I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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