He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
