Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
