Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
