i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So. Much. Porn.
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