I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
