I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
