dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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