either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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