Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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