Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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