you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
