I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
