dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How does one acquire holy water?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
