don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
