i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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