Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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