my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
