I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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