I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
