And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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