a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
