true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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