There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
