also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
