someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
