My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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