Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i've created a new STD.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
