Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
