I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
