ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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