So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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