I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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