im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
