it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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