but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize