How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
