ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
