well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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