proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
