Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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