i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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