I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
