i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
