She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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