HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm bleeding and have questions
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
