Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
