you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize