Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
