You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
