You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
