and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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