Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
