found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
