Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
