I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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