Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize