are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize