She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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