i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
