We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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