Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
