my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
